Snowflower. Chapter I - Dark thoughts

Every day, since he left the Wall, he had imagined Pyp. “What will be my little mummer doing?” used to think Grenn. Firstly, he pictured him humming some happy song in the kitchens of Castle Black, or carrying vegetable baskets while talking to other stewards “I bet the Great Ranging won’t be that great; Lord Commander and the others will come back soon, because I’m pretty sure they could not make it for a long time without our delicious food, hehehe! When they return, we have to be ready to receive them with enough soup and bread. You will see; we will be quite busy then.” He would be working hard and doing japes to other brothers, so, probably would not find time for loneliness. That idea comforted Grenn for some weeks, before nights become long and cloudy. That was when he knew they had arrived to the real North, where sleeping or washing themselves was almost impossible due to cold. Even then, lying inside his improvised sleeping bag, Grenn used to think on Pypar’s eyes, glowing like coals in the light of the torches of their cell. Naked and painfully beautiful under a thick fur coat, waiting for him with a wide smile in his face, while he held Grenn’s old cape. “Brrr! I’m freezing! Damned warm aurochs, don’t make me wait anymore and come back here tonight” he said sleepy. Grenn thought of Pyp, curling around his black cape, missing him as much as he missed his beloved. He almost could see him touching himself, dreaming with Grenn’s strong hands on his body, almost as much as Grenn dreamed with Pyp’s body under his hands. He was so soft and flexible… Gods!

After all that nights, the notion of waking up with nothing more than emptiness and a spattered cloak, make that mornings became eventually sourer. Ranging was long, and hard. More than once, Grenn feared for his life and his brothers’ life too. Battles against wildlings and wights were part of their routine now. However, only when they reached Craster’s keep, dark thoughts began to set on Grenn’s mind, for no apparent reason.

Something was wrong.

Something was terribly wrong, and even when Grenn was as clever as an aurochs, he certainly was as sensitive to predators as one. He should have known better. Karl Tanner was not a reliable man and everyone knew it. Things happened too fast, too blurry; when Lord Commander Mormont fell, Grenn became numb and deaf for a moment, and all that he could remember was chaos. Sliced throats and blood; more blood than he never saw before. Black brothers fighting each other. He never knew where did his bravery come from, but before he could react, he saw himself charging against the “Fookin’ legend of Gin Alley”, the mere instigator of the mutiny. They tumbled to the ground and everything after that was a blurred mess of dirt, confusion and pain. There were necessary four mutineers to stop Grenn completely, and then, while he was being hit until unconsciousness by Tanner, he could still register some words through his blood covered ears “These assholes attacked me… And this one broke my nose! Remember. Do not let them die. Not even slowly. Let’s drive them insane first, and then, I will hear them implore for a merciful ending.” When Grenn woke up, he was been thrown to an improvised dungeon, his hands were chained and all his weapons were removed from him.

Madness was close.

Once, Jon had said that Grenn was the most resilient man he ever met. Grenn had no idea about what resilient meant. However, he was resolved to hold on, and ask him some day. Sometimes, when mutineers came and showed him delicious viands, which they ate in front of him, Grenn grew angry and desperate, he screamed insults and spitted in their faces, but he knew that hunger could not break him. It never had before, even when he was a child, and this would not be the time. Even in that hell, hungry, beaten and chained, it was a good thing to know that Dolorous Edd had survived too. And it was better to confirm that nothing could make him feel more miserable. Some days after, when hunger made them dizzy and weak, lack of sleep came too.

Edd learnt how to sleep in short periods, when mutineers on charge relieved his guard, and Grenn learnt soon how to take the shift with him

in silence. However, when he slept, his dreams were more vivid than reality, so, he disappeared in daydreams for long lapses. He could clearly see Pyp chopping carrots and throwing them in porridge... Well, at least, Pyp’s soup was not horrible as the habitual one in the Night’s Watch, which was always nasty and cold, “It is so horribly cold that could freeze anything from inside” had said Pyp once, while sneaked Grenn a bowl of his own invention, a steamy mixture containing wild onions, sage and cheese. The memories made him crave more than anything a bowl of Pyp’s warm food.

In this strange daydream, his lover was making some funny comments about Ser Allister’s chin with other brothers. Grenn always laughed when Pyp imitated Thorne´s gritty voice. This time, some builders were enjoying Pyp’s company, but when conversation continued and, by mistake, Halder  mentioned the Great Ranging, Pyp’s hands started trembling. Grenn knew that when his little one was getting nervous, his hands started shaking uncontrollably, “My aurochs is so slow that he must be still preparing his baggage for leaving the Wall. Perhaps he will be seen in stables soon, hehehe!” Suddenly, Grenn forgot the food, and there was a single wish in his mind. To be with Pyp and take his hands in his own, kiss them until shivers disappear and tell him that he would be always with him. However, all that seemed like a remote prospect now.

As days passed, reality went blurred, while his dreams became even more torturing. He could see Pyp, always being gentle with other men of the Night’s Watch, but now, he was clearly anxious, and could barely smile. Every day, he was surrounded by black brothers, who looked him with a hint of pity. Anyway, the real catalyzer -What really broke Grenn’s heart was picturing Pyp alone in their cell, still hugging Grenn’s old cape, but now, in the middle of the night, with no one to look, Pyp started to cry silently “Grenn… Where are you? Gods, let him be fine. Please… Keep my brothers safe and let them come home. Don’t abandon them. Let Grenn know I will wait for him until the end of my life if it’s necessary. Protect Grenn… please.” He whispered holding closer the cape. Grenn could hear the prayer repeated over and over in his head, sad but full of hope. Then, he was sure this was no madness. He was so close to insanity, but every time he closed his eyes and prepared to surrender, he listened to Pyp´s voice, praying to gods for him.

“Are you ready to leave him alone?”

Damn. Now he was hearing also additional ugly voices.

When he turned to see what else would say the voice, he found Edd, after almost ten days of torture, still alive and more undivided than ever. How could he forget him? Recently, his mind was so lost that almost did not notice Eddison was there. He was his only friend in that hell, and apparently, much to Edd’s own dismay, his spirit remained unbreakable.

“What?”

“I told if you are ready to abandon him. You have been just saying Pyp’s name and… some other weird things for a whole night. If those damned mutineers don´t drive me crazy, you will.”

“Now I know we need to escape.”

“Captivity has made you so clever, Grenn… I know we need to escape, stupid aurochs. Jon and the rangers of Castle Black don’t know what happened, so, no one will come. We need something better than that vague statement, and nothing comes through my mind. I wonder what can we make to steal keys and then…”

“Look! A bucket of urine!” Grenn said, euphoric.
Before mutineers relieved the guard in Edd and Grenn’s cell, they mocked them as usual, repeating how stupid they were, defending Jeor Mormont and then, they urinated in a bucket that should have contained food for captives… Yes, it was the first time these vile men do this, but in Edd’s opinion, this was not their major problem. Indeed, when he looked into Grenn’s ecstatic eyes he was convinced; the guy had finally become crazy… Or against odds, he had gotten heavenly inspiration.

And against his very nature, he hoped the second.